Trauma informed care, with its core principles of safety, choice, collaboration, trustworthiness and empowerment are the cornerstones of any therapeutic relationship or intervention. Grief therapy is no different.
It is vital for someone who is working through the grief of losing one or many people, from illness, accident, suicide or overdose, to have choice about how and when to grieve. Although research shows that processing grief is a healthy way to manage the loss, it’s not something you can, or should, require from someone.
Sometimes people who feel shocked and numb throughout the death, funeral, and for weeks or months after a loss think that means they haven’t grieved. This can be further complicated if there is a significant amount of drug or alcohol use during this time period. Clients have said: “I never grieved” thinking that the numbness was evidence they weren’t grieving; instead of understanding that it is just part of the process. Your brain, I think, just gives you a bit of a break from the full extent of the loss in the beginning.
Grief counseling, really every kind of counseling, must have collaboration. The client is the expert of their life, not the counselor. The grief journey can be so painful and clients need to know they are the one driving the bus. The counselor might have the map, but the client is at the wheel for the entire trip. “You could turn here,” we might tell our client. If they say, “no thanks, I’d rather keep going this way” then all we can do is be patient. Best not to ask: “are we there yet?”
To continue the bus metaphor, sometimes a client might throw their hands up, tell us to “take the wheel” and “tell me what to do.” Although it’s so tempting, we know it isn’t the best way to foster empowerment. “You’ve got this.” “It’s hard but you’ve come so far.” “I’m right here next to you.” Maybe the client is anticipating an upcoming holiday. Do they celebrate it exactly as they celebrated it with their loved one? Or do something entirely different; maybe avoid celebrating it altogether? They need to make that decision for themselves; the therapist can only offer options and explain why some people might chose one or the other.
Trust can be so fragile. If you make a mistake own it, apologize and make amends. If there is no trust in a therapeutic relationship there is no therapeutic relationship. It’s that simple. We make mistakes, say we’re going to call and then get overwhelmed and forget, or put it off. It’s okay, we’re human. Perfection is not trustworthiness; we need to model for clients how to make mistakes and repair a relationship.
If the ingredients of trauma informed care make a soup, then safety is the broth. Without it, you can’t really have soup, it’s just random ingredients tossed together. They might taste good, but it isn’t soup. Safety is an elemental need for all of us. In order to work through the painful thoughts and feelings connected with the death of a family member, or a friend, or even an acquaintance, clients need a safety that cocoons them in support.
Grief Meets. . . 