My mother died in 2011 and every year, on the anniversary of her death I would post a picture of her and write a memorial on Facebook. It helped me grieve, year after year, being able to tell the story of her death and share parts of her life with my friends. And every year, people would comment words of support and add their memories to my post.
It never occurred to me that Facebook was collecting information about me and my friends through that post.
Grieving for a loved one should be able to be carried out in a sacred, safe space. Big Brother, or rather, Big Data, shouldn’t interfere with it, but for the millions who express and process their grief on social media, underneath it all, data continues to be collected and expressed through the algorithms used by social media platforms.
Ever google something on your computer and then every time you open your Facebook account there is an ad for whatever you searched for? Or something similar? It’s disconcerting at best, and to many people, it feels invasive.
Since the beginning of Facebook there have been issues with privacy and this article from NBC sets out an interesting timeline.
https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/social-media/timeline-facebook-s-privacy-issues-its-responses-n859651
So what’s a Facebook griever to do? There are many grief discussion forums (check back next week for a listing of online grief resources) where you can connect with others who are similarly grieving, but the discussion boards don’t have the same convenience, interactibility and, well, ubiquitousness like Facebook does (you can check your grief group postings and wish your non-grieving friend happy birthday all in the same place). It’s an easy app on your phone or tablet and has all those features we love — remembers you every time you log in, sorts your feed for you so you see things that interest you. . .
Oh, wait a minute.
That’s right. Big Data likes your information and wants to help you. Whether you want that help or not.
Is there such a thing as too much grieving? What if you are searching for places to process your grief, find a local grief group, and find a grief counselor. You’re googling all these things and we know how much Facebook and Google like each other. Is it possible that your feed could become too sad? Filled with too much grieving?
Everyone’s grief journey is different but an interesting grief theory called Dual Processing Model talks about how it’s important to spend time grieving and equally important to spend time doing other things. In the beginning, after your loved one dies, “other things” might consist of showering, eating, and distracting yourself with cute animal videos. Later on it might be reading articles about politics (well, maybe not), playing games, or spending time with friends and family. The trick is, you don’t want to completely avoid grieving, and you also don’t want to grieve at the expense of life. It’s trying to find the right spot for you at the time you are in. Could Big Data and Facebook algorithms interfere with that? It’s possible.
Is there a solution? The simplest solution to avoiding all of your Facebook data being collected and used to, uh, help you, is to delete your Facebook account. That will prevent any future data being collected and mined for information, but it doesn’t get rid of the data they have already collected.
At the risk of sounding like Facebook is an awful place to be, I do think one of the wonderful things about it is that they have enabled it so a person’s page can continue as a memorial space after they die. People can leave messages, pictures and communicate with others in ways that are supportive to the grievers. Grieving in a community (online and/or IRL) is one of the most helpful ways to traverse the grief path. Online spaces like Facebook provide a space for that kind of community that can be incredibly helpful.
Grief Meets. . . 